
Dads Matter Too: Uncovering the Silent Suffering of Early Fatherhood
Written by Provisional Psychologist Ben.S
While I am no father myself, I know firsthand that it’s not easy to admit when you’re struggling. The feeling of responsibility constantly on your shoulders, particularly when those around you so clearly need help. As men, we were often taught at a young age to act as a steady foundation for those around us. The words “be a man” or being the “man of the house” are too often synonymous with the implication that we must suppress our emotions, carry the burden alone, and never show weakness. That men provide, protect, and are strong.
Naturally, the arrival of a new baby only amplifies these expectations, placing even greater pressure on fathers—whether new or soon-to-be—to uphold these values. Alongside the sleepless nights, constant changes, and overwhelming uncertainty, there’s the stress of trying to be the rock your partner needs while also figuring out how to be a father. While society celebrates the joy of fatherhood, it rarely acknowledges the emotional toll it can take on men. The exhaustion, anxiety, and stress that come with this transition are real, yet they are often downplayed or dismissed—often by the men experiencing them.
If this sounds like you, even a little bit, know that you’re not alone. The research is clear: men do face significant mental health challenges during the perinatal period, and these struggles often go unnoticed. Studies show that up to 1 in 10 fathers experience depression within the first year of their child’s life, and 20% report high levels of anxiety during pregnancy and early fatherhood. These feelings of isolation, guilt, and inadequacy are common, as many men feel torn between their desire to support their partner and the pressure to stay strong for the family.
Importantly, a lack of support significantly contributes to the severity of these struggles. A reluctance to seek help and share the burden with loved ones or professionals often leads to delays in addressing these issues, allowing anxiety and depression to worsen. Over time, this can create a cycle of emotional distress that not only affects the father’s well-being but can also impact the family dynamic and the baby’s ability to bond with both parents.
Fathers are less likely to seek help compared to mothers, and when they do, it’s often too late—after symptoms have worsened. This can create a vicious cycle of emotional distress, which affects not only the father’s well-being but also his relationship with his partner and his ability to bond with his child. But there is hope. The old expectations of “being a man” are no longer the standards we need to live by. Today, more men are speaking up about their struggles, and more support is available than ever before. It’s okay to admit when things are tough, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You are not alone in this. By acknowledging the challenges you face, you take the first step towards healing—for yourself, for your relationship, and for your family.
This piece is not to denounce the immense pressure endured by mothers, but to shine a light on the often overlooked mental health struggles of fathers during the perinatal period. Both parents face unique challenges, and it’s crucial to recognize that fathers, too, carry emotional burdens that deserve attention, support, and care. So, what are some signs that you may be struggling and not realise it? And what can you do if you’re struggling, or if you suspect someone you care about is?
Some Signs of Pariental Mental Health Difficulties – The FATHER Acronym
F – Fatigue
Feeling constantly tired, even after a good night’s sleep, or unable to shake off exhaustion despite resting. This is more than typical sleep deprivation from a new baby—it’s a deep, ongoing fatigue that impacts daily functioning and mental clarity.
A – Anxiety
Experiencing constant worry or feeling on edge about the baby, your ability to be a good parent, or your future. This could show up as excessive concern about the baby’s health or fears about being an inadequate father. Anxiety can also cause physical symptoms like a racing heart or shallow breathing.
T – Tension
Increased irritability or becoming emotionally distant, especially with your partner. This could manifest as frequent arguments, withdrawing from family activities, or a sense of emotional numbness. You may find yourself snapping more than usual or feeling disconnected from the baby or your partner.
H – Hopelessness
A sense of feeling stuck or that things will never improve. You may find yourself thinking, “This is just how it is,” or feeling like you’re failing at fatherhood. Hopelessness often leads to withdrawing from responsibilities, social commitments, or feeling like there’s no way out of the stress you’re under.
E – Emotional numbness
Difficulty experiencing joy or emotional connection, especially with your baby or partner. This might look like feeling disconnected, uninterested, or not bonded with your child. You may feel like you’re going through the motions rather than truly enjoying the experience of fatherhood.
R – Regret, Guilt or Inadequacy.
Regret/guilt about becoming a father or feeling inadequate. This can involve ruminating over past decisions, feeling like you’re failing, or even questioning your ability to handle the responsibility of fatherhood.
What Can You Do About It?
If any of this resonates with you, it’s important to remember that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a courageous and necessary step toward healing. Just like we’d offer support to a friend or family member, we need to remember to show ourselves the same kindness and understanding.
Talk with Your Partner
– Communication with your partner is key. Be open about how you’re feeling and encourage your partner to do the same. Working together to share the responsibilities of parenthood and emotional support can strengthen your relationship and help both of you manage the stresses of new parenthood.
Reach Out for Help
– The first step is to talk to someone you trust—whether that’s your partner, a close friend, or a family member. Opening up about what you’re feeling can be difficult, but it’s crucial to begin the healing process. You might feel like you’re alone, but others are there to listen and support you.
Practice Self-Care
– While self-care looks different for everyone, it’s important to prioritise your physical and emotional well-being. This might mean carving out some time for yourself, even 30 minutes before going to bed to do what makes you happy. Prioritise this, people often find it too easy to come up with excuses or prioritise other things in the day, particularly as responsibilities increase.
Speak to a Health Professional
– I always encourage speaking to your GP about obtaining a mental health care plan to see a mental health professional. The best approach to mental well-being is a preventative and early approach. Psychologists can assess your mental health and provide guidance on treatment tailored to your life and context. Don’t wait for things to get worse—early intervention can make a huge difference.
There are, of course, numerous confidential resources available for immediate support, including:
PANDA (1300 726 306) – specific to perinatal support.
Lifeline (13 11 14)
Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636)
Reaching out can make all the difference between feeling isolated and getting the support you need—because your mental health matters, and taking care of yourself also means taking care of your family. You’re not alone.